(Makeup: Sabrena C, Photography: Sabrena C)
(Makeup: Sabrena C, Photography: Sabrena C)
Today I was asked a question and it caught me totally off guard. The question was “Tasha do you have a story to tell that you want the world to hear?” Now little did the person asking the question realize, I was in a horrible place at that moment. So while she talked with the sound of excitement and break through waiting around the corner, I sat holding the phone thinking “She must be kidding me right now”. God is so funny, that’s my mom’s favorite statement; but who was laughing? I would like to apologize in advance because as I type I’m thinking that this message is to encourage myself. Though I’m praying that someone else is blessed with my thoughts of pain, hurt, and on coming epiphany. If for any reason you’re not, know that God spoke to me through every word I typed.
I have always been that independent woman who wanted nothing more than to be loved by that perfect, tall, dark, and handsome man. He would come along and take care of me, make me smile, make me happy and make me feel like I’m the only person in the world. I would want for nothing in life because his reason for waking up every morning was to make sure I was on cloud 9. Now here is where I think God stood back and began to write his lovely jokes titled Tasha’s Life. I fell in love the first time at 17 and was pregnant by 18 while still a senior in high school, but that relationship didn’t last because he realized he was too young to be a father. The blessing I received from it all was my oldest daughter. Although terrified I still managed to graduate while being a full time mother and student. Second time I “fell in love” I was 20 years old and pregnant with my second child, this gentlemen I actually married but that didn’t last long. I thought that once we got married the physical abuse would stop, Lord was I ever wrong. He joined the army and moved me and my two children to Colorado where things just got worse. I lasted two years then politely packed me and my babies up and drove us back to Houston and never looked back.
Keep in mind that I’m a dreamer and believer. I didn’t give up on my dream of love. I truly believed God had me confused with someone else, so I changed up my prayer some. My new prayer was he doesn’t have to be that tall, and I can deal with a lighter skinned man but he still must be handsome. Now we fast forward a couple of years and guess what, I’m “in love again”. (I know by now some of you are judging me but don’t, I was and am a work in progress.) Back to my third wonderful opportunity of love, we dated for almost two years before I found out Mr. Right was already married to Mrs. Right. The best thing from that relationship was I managed not to get pregnant. By this time I’m staying on my knees praying and asking God where is the man of my dreams? Where is that man that will make happy, make me smile every day, make me feel like I’m the only person in the world? Dear God, where is he and why do I keep getting these wrong ones? Well at 26 I meet this semi tall, caramel skinned, and very handsome man. He is 10 years older than me so he has got to have his crap together right???? RIGHT?? W R O N G!!! We dated for 5 years and married for another 5. From that union we have a beautiful 12 year old daughter and he has a 10 year old son. I told you God had a great sense of humor. He is so funny that that math had me completely turned around and ready to go back to school. I kept asking myself how is it possible, we have been together for all these years and you had a child two years after we had our daughter, something was definitely wrong with that simple addition. Needless to say divorce came a few years later.
So here I am, 38 years old, three children, two marriages, three baby daddies and yet single again but now living with family. Yes there were so many moments in time when I asked God why. Why me? Why can’t I be happy? Why won’t anybody love me? Why is Mr. Right not in my future? Why, why, why, why? At the very moment when I was down and broken and feeling like I didn’t matter and I didn’t count that’s when God whispered to me. He made me realize that since the beginning I have been asking Him to send me someone that will MAKE me happy, MAKE me smile, TAKE care of me, MAKE me feel like I’m the only person in the world. All the while I never realized that no one, no person can make me anything. That with Jesus all things are possible and my joy and happiness exist in Him. I continually picked the men that I thought I wanted in my life and every time I was wrong. Here I am today, 4 weeks from turning 40 and I can’t remember being happier. I haven’t given up on love, or my Mr. Right but what I have realized is all that I am and need is in the one man I didn’t think to trust. That’s God, He is my beginning and end and if He decides that my Mr. Right is short, brown skinned, and thick (solid some would say) then I am running with it. My happiness, my joy, my peace is all wrapped up in Jesus.
I pray that any lady who read this will understand that we are so much more than we give ourselves credit for. We are amazing, strong, beautiful, funny, courageous, hardworking, determined women. If this is you, STOP waiting for a man to come along and define you. Realize your worth and stand for something. Stop falling for anything and allowing anybody to take from your uniqueness. You are great, so walk in your greatness. Know who you are and whoms you are. ENCOURAGE yourself, I know it may not be easy but it’s very possible. I pray that you be encouraged everyday all day.
So if I had to put a title to my life story it would be... "He Can't Make You, so don’t Allow Him to Break You".